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Caught short
10 October 2007 11:57 Post ID: #43462
Andover_Lion
When was the worst time you've been caught short?

Mine was 20 years ago, when I worked in the city.

I'd been constipated for 5 days and was starting to get worried. I bought some high strength laxitives and took them in the evening. The box said the laxitives would kick in after a few hours.

The next morning came, and nothing. So I set off for work as usual, Andover senior dropped my off at Kenington tube station.
After he'd gone, there was a blackboard outside the tube saying 'strike, no service today'. So I walked across the now gridlocked roads to get a bus.

It was then that my stomach cramped up and I felt this overwhelming urge to have a dump. Then with no toilet nearby, and as if an Angel of Mercy had descended, a car pulled up, and the driver asked if anyone was heading to the city. Four of us in the bus queue jumped forward and got in the car, I took the front passenger seat.

How I writhed and twitched my toes in the 20 minutes it took to get to the city. I feared I would chit my pants there and then in front of 4 total strangers. Luckily, I held on, got dropped off, and pigeon stepped my way into the works bog.

It took me a good part of 30 minutes to totally clear out. It was carnage.
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10 October 2007 11:59 Post ID: #43464 - in reply to #43462
obeney

Good story Andover did make me A more natural laxative are fresh figs. Almost instantaneous relief ;)
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10 October 2007 12:07 Post ID: #43470 - in reply to #43464
MOnster
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I love your posts Andover, make me laugh every time
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10 October 2007 12:29 Post ID: #43494 - in reply to #43462
Andover_Lion
asadsamakab - 10/10/2007 12:13

you have an obsession with sht, have you considered seeking advice?


Good idea Asad, might try some of that regression stuff.

Could be as a small boy, one of my friends did a slide tackle in the local park, right through a runny dog chit.

He had it all up him, in his hair, shirt & trousers. He had to run home with everyone laughing at him.
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10 October 2007 12:35 Post ID: #43502 - in reply to #43494
MOnster
500050005000100050010010010010025
Earlier this year, walking the ten minutes from the Station to Groupie's house I thought I'd let out a crafty fart even though I'd been having stomach pain all day. Only, upon farting, the head of a rather large turd poked out as well. I gripped just in time. I then had a painful ten minutes walking in some discomfort to her house. I was sweating like a paedo in a sweet shop, and when I got in I practically exploded in the toilet.

This has happened a few times now. The moral is that I should not fart. Or maybe it should be that I need to wear nappies.
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10 October 2007 13:10 Post ID: #43528 - in reply to #43462
obeney

It's all that English food you eat you silly sod
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10 October 2007 13:23 Post ID: #43537 - in reply to #43528
MOhican
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Funniest topic for ages

Love the stories Andover and Tiger
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10 October 2007 13:29 Post ID: #43543 - in reply to #43528
MOnster
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obeney - 10/10/2007 13:10


It's all that English food you eat you silly sod :hihi:


Actually, Obes, I've discovered that it's pizza which has a nasty effect on my bowels. Which is a shame, because it's my favourite junk food.

With Chinese food, I just piss out of my arse. I blame the MSG.
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10 October 2007 13:32 Post ID: #43545 - in reply to #43543
MOnster
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Tiger_Lion - 10/10/2007 13:29

obeney - 10/10/2007 13:10


It's all that English food you eat you silly sod :hihi:


With Chinese food, I just piss out of my arse.


:hehe: :hehe: ..piss out of my arse
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10 October 2007 14:33 Post ID: #43604 - in reply to #43462
obeney

Tiger - Chinese food in this country is crap. It really is "Chop Suey" (Beggars Food , literal translation) and rarely eat it unless it a really good Chinese restaurant that goes in for Peking or Shanghai dishes (more steamed instead of the usual deep fried and glutonouse sauces)

Pizza - I've had one in my life - See nothing in them at all. I know, everyone eats them and loves them but, for some reason they just have passed me by ;)
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10 October 2007 14:45 Post ID: #43617 - in reply to #43604
MOnster
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obeney - 10/10/2007 14:33


Tiger - Chinese food in this country is crap. It really is "Chop Suey" (Beggars Food , literal translation) and rarely eat it unless it a really good Chinese restaurant that goes in for Peking or Shanghai dishes (more steamed instead of the usual deep fried and glutonouse sauces)

Pizza - I've had one in my life - See nothing in them at all. I know, everyone eats them and loves them but, for some reason they just have passed me by ;)


Not a big fan of Chinese, Obes. Personally, I always try and have teh noodles with veg and meat in soup solely based on a film I saw once called 'Tampopo' - even though it was Japanese (maybe Cat knows the film).

As for Pizza... melted cheese and bits of meat on bread with tomato sauce is close to perfection.

Then again, I ain't had P&M yet... even my aunt has recommended Manzes!
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10 October 2007 15:00 Post ID: #43633 - in reply to #43617
Andover_Lion
Tiger_Lion - 10/10/2007 14:45


Then again, I ain't had P&M yet... even my aunt has recommended Manzes!


Tiger, you don't want to get caught short again. ;)
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10 October 2007 15:03 Post ID: #43636 - in reply to #43462
obeney

Oi Andover , Manze's is excellent ballast and has never , to my knowledge, caused any "shifting in the holds" ;) You must be thinking of Arments
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10 October 2007 15:05 Post ID: #43638 - in reply to #43462
obeney

Oh Tiger , forgot to add that you aunt sound a very sensible and nice lady ;)
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10 October 2007 16:31 Post ID: #43681 - in reply to #43638
Supreme MO
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I was out in Spain staying in one of those urban new style built up area's just streets and streets of the same style homes.
I told the wife that I was off on one of my walks that can last a couple of hours, suddenly half an hour in, the urge to have a dump just floods over me, there are no shops or bars anywhere nearby and I tried walking home but it was becoming more and more painful, when suddenly I just jumped over someone's villar wall and let rip in one long fart there seemed like a ton of chit standing behind me I then take off me shirt and rip-it up to wipe me arse and its looks a lovely sight in this beautifuf garden.
When I got back the wife's looking out for me off the top of the roof terrace and she's wondering where the shirts gone, when I told her what had happend she starts the why did'nt you knock on someone's door routine, they just don't understand women.
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10 October 2007 16:36 Post ID: #43683 - in reply to #43681
MOnster
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lol I hope there wasnt any kids playing in the garden
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10 October 2007 16:37 Post ID: #43684 - in reply to #43638
I was in a packed pub where the toilets where right down the other end. Knowing that it was unlikely I would make it and if I did it would be full of women pissing all over the seats :0y: I turned to a mate and told him that very soon I could be in the chit. He told every other fcuker we were with and they started playing what I thought was a very childish game of "prod the bod" I was now fcuked. But help was soon upon my sorry self when one of my mates downed his pint, shoved his empty glass in my hand and said give us a refill barmaid. I had no choice and pulled down my jeans. Lucky I was commando :0y:
It was all over very quickly with the help of some again childish giggling. I handed the pint back and said a pint of my very best to you sir. With a flick of his wrist my mate flung the chit out of the glass and onto the wall where it stood proudly for a couple of seconds before sliding down towards the skirting boards. Next thing I know I was eating tarmac outside, but all I can say is thank fcuk I was wearing socks


I would like to add this was nearly 20 years ago. :(
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