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Caught short
18 March 2008 13:28 Post ID: #131282 - in reply to #44292
Andover_Lion
I thought I'd resurrect this old thread, to see if anyone lese had some more stories.

Still laughing at the old stories, especially Lionheart's.
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18 March 2008 13:30 Post ID: #131284 - in reply to #131282
MOnster
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do do dooooo gary alexander
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18 March 2008 13:38 Post ID: #131286 - in reply to #131284
Legend MO
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18 March 2008 13:45 Post ID: #131292 - in reply to #43462
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One for me was driving back from a rave in Cornwall.

Hadn't had a dump for the best part of 4 or 5 days or so as I hadn't eaten anything - just drunk around 100 cans of cider or there abouts!

Anyway on the way home I got stuck on the outside lane of the M4 in a traffic jam. Utter gridlock. And then it happend...

Sudden disabiliting cramps. I was in so much pain I could've just opened my bowels there and then in the drivers seat. No one else would know apart from me would they... but no I squirmed and cried in my seat while stuck in traffic. I couldnt even make it to the hard shoulder! I managed to keep going until I got to a services but I couldn't last... I literatly dived out of my still moving car, luckly hanked the handbrake on my way out, on the slip road to the services. I then dived James Bond style into the bushes where all hell broke lose.

Once done I felt so physcially drained I parked up in the services and slept for a few hours.

Only to wake up and find my pants and trousers where in bad shape! Luckily I had a change of clothes! I then lobbed the said pants and trousers into the bushes at the Swindow services I think on the M4. They may still be there! :D
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28 July 2008 14:43 Post ID: #200670 - in reply to #131292
Andover_Lion


Time for some more updates.

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28 July 2008 14:51 Post ID: #200678 - in reply to #43462
MOjo
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Early hours new years day. Been drinking all day, so on my way home thought I'd get a burger. Walking along munching on the greasy burger, went to let a fart rip and chite myself. This was not the squirts but a serious log but I was twenty minutes walk form my house!
I had the option of taking off my pants in the street and throwing them away but I didn't see the point so I walked home, threw the pants in the bin outside and showered, making sure all residual faeces were washed away. It was the best shower I have ever had.
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28 July 2008 14:52 Post ID: #200679 - in reply to #200670
MOnster
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Was on a date a few weeks back. I was waiting with the bird at a bus stop until her bus came. All of a sudden, my stomach made a noise. I told her I had to go. This was Oxford Street. I got to Victoria Train Station. Still manageable. I get on the train. I'm in discomfort. I get off the train. I'm sweating.

My arse also has a disturbing ability to recognise my house, because as soon as my place was in view, my sphincter started loosening.

I was holding on for dear life. I open the door, almost decapitate my kittens with my bag as I throw it down, I run upstairs, throw open the bathroom door with cloth being touched, whip off the keks and explode into the bowl.

While painful, the sense of relief was also very palpable.
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28 July 2008 14:54 Post ID: #200683 - in reply to #200679
MOnster
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Tiger_Lion - 28/7/2008 14:52

My arse also has a disturbing ability to recognise my house, because as soon as my place was in view, my sphincter started loosening.



How very true!
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28 July 2008 15:02 Post ID: #200693 - in reply to #200679
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Was going to a fancy wedding in Mayfair about 5 years back, bought a new suit, booked into flash hotel so was about £600 down. The night before the wedding a few of us go out to The Light at Shoreditch - my Mrs, her sister and loads of the Mrs' mates. I grabbed a sandwich from M&S at Liverpool Street and it tasted rank, but being a greedy bastard ate it anywey.

A couple of hours later we are standing outside the pub and I let out a sneaky fart, except it wasn't, it was like turning on a tap, chit everyhwere.

I ran to the karzie before anyone noticed and ripped off my pants, cleaned myself up as well as I could and left my pants in there, pulled my shirt out to cover my arse and thought I'd got away with it, I then hear the toilet fella shouting after me in the packed pub calling me a dirty bastard for chitting myself and waving the skids on the end of his broom in full view of the whole pub, so I made a hasty retreat, jumped in a cab and called the Mrs to let her know what had happened - spent the whole weekend in the hotel room chitting for England - haven't eaten a pre packed sandwich since
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28 July 2008 15:02 Post ID: #200694 - in reply to #43462
MOjo
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You've probably all seen this before

http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=uwMzFkABJhE

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28 July 2008 15:08 Post ID: #200699 - in reply to #200683
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Noose76 - 28/7/2008 14:54

Tiger_Lion - 28/7/2008 14:52

My arse also has a disturbing ability to recognise my house, because as soon as my place was in view, my sphincter started loosening.



How very true! :rotfl:
Thought it was just me a pure sod when you can't get your keys out
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28 July 2008 15:09 Post ID: #200700 - in reply to #200693
Andover_Lion
kinelloz - 28/7/2008 15:02

I then hear the toilet fella shouting after me in the packed pub calling me a dirty bastard for chitting myself and waving the skids on the end of his broom in full view of the whole pub


I'm laughing so hard it hurts.
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28 July 2008 15:10 Post ID: #200701 - in reply to #200699
MOnster
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OK. So it's clearly a worldwide phenomenon. Maybe someone needs to develop something to stop arse from recognising house.

Cos it's really uncomfortable and it makes you sweat.
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28 July 2008 15:12 Post ID: #200703 - in reply to #200693
MOnster
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kinelloz - 28/7/2008 15:02

Was going to a fancy wedding in Mayfair about 5 years back, bought a new suit, booked into flash hotel so was about £600 down. The night before the wedding a few of us go out to The Light at Shoreditch - my Mrs, her sister and loads of the Mrs' mates. I grabbed a sandwich from M&S at Liverpool Street and it tasted rank, but being a greedy bastard ate it anywey.

A couple of hours later we are standing outside the pub and I let out a sneaky fart, except it wasn't, it was like turning on a tap, chit everyhwere.

I ran to the karzie before anyone noticed and ripped off my pants, cleaned myself up as well as I could and left my pants in there, pulled my shirt out to cover my arse and thought I'd got away with it, I then hear the toilet fella shouting after me in the packed pub calling me a dirty bastard for chitting myself and waving the skids on the end of his broom in full view of the whole pub, so I made a hasty retreat, jumped in a cab and called the Mrs to let her know what had happened - spent the whole weekend in the hotel room chitting for England - haven't eaten a pre packed sandwich since


I've dribbled before, but not turned it on like a tap. Holding that sort of stuff in is arguably the most painful thing known to man.

More than a kick in the nuts.
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28 July 2008 15:13 Post ID: #200705 - in reply to #200701
MOnster
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It's worse when you see your house on the horizon and your legs start to buckle, so you're forced to walk by only moving your legs from your knees downwards, with your thighs firmly clenched together and your arsecheeks tensed like rocks.
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28 July 2008 15:17 Post ID: #200707 - in reply to #200679
Andover_Lion
I was out walking the dog yesterday and this little kid went past me doing that walk on his tip toes. As a betting man, I doubt he made it.

Edited by Andover_Lion 28/7/2008 15:18
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28 July 2008 15:19 Post ID: #200708 - in reply to #43462
MOnster
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It's that feeling of dampness going down the inside of the thigh coupled with often total surprise at the event when it happens in the street and the stress of thinking is it showing through that is a cnt.

I like the idea of an 'arse recognises home' syndrome. I always get the urge for a pi55 the closer I get to my place, sometimes the timing is all wrong and the alleyway about 20 yards from home gets it.
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